Coming home......

I think this is working! I cried my eyes out last night after writing my blog, but today I feel a little better. It must be the fact that I am letting my thoughts guide the words I write. I know I am really upset inside about Jonesy dying, and I also know I feel totally daft. My husband came into the room as I was crying last night, and when he asked what was the matter I just sobbed and sobbed. I told him about the blog, and why I was doing it. We hadn't talked much about the decision we had made, or Saturday 22nd October, and to be honest I hadn't realised how my husband has been feeling either. I have been caught up in my own 'coping with grief' time, while he became the 'brave man who doesn't get upset'. It helped to talk, and I also said how angry I have been. The memories are too raw for us to chat properly about how we felt, and how we feel now, but that will come in time.

For days after Jonesy died I wanted to go to the vet and fetch him back. It was like an itch inside me, and I had to constantly suppress the need to phone the surgery. We had been told Jonesy's ashes would take about 10 days to 2 weeks to be returned to us, and it made me feel very restless during that time. I think I just wanted him home where I could feel his presence. Jonesy had been such a large part of our lives that, even though we have 2 other cats, the house felt empty. It still does now. My husband had to collect the cat box at the end of the week, and I received a text to warn me Jonesy was home. He had been cremated on the Monday so it would not have been possible to get him home as I had wanted to anyway, though I didn't know that.....I walked through the door after work and saw a cardboard box on the dining room table. Before I even took my coat off  I opened the box....and cried again. My husband had picked the most glorious, beautiful, wooden figure of a sleeping cat curled up, for Jonesy's ashes. It was more than I had imagined, and as I type this I can see it near me on the coffee table. To anyone coming into the room it simply looks like a piece of art, but we know what it holds, and it is very precious. As for Jonesy's collar and disc? Well that is round the neck of my jelly cat, bought for me many years ago by my husband. Every year at Christmas one of the presents he gives me is cat orientated. Jelly cat lays at the foot of my side of the bed....it is ginger and soft and it is my therapy at the moment. Jelly cat therapy has kept me comforted over the last few weeks. The bell on the collar tinkles when I move Jelly cat.....a familiar sound that makes me happy.